I've recently been trying to get back to that little boy's ways. 

Funny how we spend our younger years just trying to bust out and be free; and then spend our maturing years just wanting to go back!

I have been going through some things - as most of us do from time to time - and I find myself searching for something. I am constantly on guard waiting for permission, or a sign. I have noticed that for the past few years I find myself searching for nothing. I spend all of my energy striving for an unseen, unheard, unknowable state of being. Convinced that if I could just stretch myself far enough, or shake myself up to the point that all of my inhibitors shatter; then I will finally be able to be the person I was meant to be. But I have no idea what that ideal state even looks like or feels like. 

We all build walls, some short and easily scalable and some so thick that you wonder if anything still lives behind them. I can only speak to my walls, and they are not thick nor sturdy. My walls are so tall that even the stars can't peek behind them. If you come at them from the side, you can knock them down easily. The trouble is most people would rather try the climb. 

When I was a child I remember being so loving and joyous. Everything was a surprise and a delight. Even something as simple as peanut butter on my pop tarts. Somewhere along the line I lost touch with that loving, simple part of myself. I no longer feel the spark of delight. That burst of warm fuzzies when I hug a friend, or a pup, or Teddy Buttoneyes just isn't as easy as it should be. 

Maybe that is what I am searching for - reveling in the pure joy that is life. Magnificent flora, fascinating fauna and all of the beautiful things my collective has created all pulsing and vibrating and living and dying and doing exactly what they were made to do. I want to be like that little boy again because I already am. I just have to wake him up and tell him, "Cartoons are on!" That one always worked.

More Random Daydreams: I vant to be alone

Today is my cousin's birthday. Sent him a text. Tried to call. Not a word. I know he has things going on in his life. And we're family so it picks up where we left off, but there must really be some stuff going on for him not to holla back.

Still feeling quite anxious, but not quite as gloomy - doomy. I am looking forward to some upcoming reiki sessions. So there's that.

I really think I need a get away. I haven't had one in eons. Now to decide where, and with whom. Ah, there's my topic for today - Why do I like being alone...

I don't know if it is because I grew up as an only child, or if its just my disposition, but I crave alone time. There are fleeting moments when I long for some company, but for the most part I am just fine on my on and alone.  No expectations, no restrictions, no interruptions. Just me and whatever I choose to pass the time doing.

So I guess that's not much of an answer to the question, "Why do I like being alone?", but I didn't promise a neat package.

Trance 1

As I sit here and try to think of something to write, nothing seems to be coming to me. I mean, I have thousands of bits of random thoughts and musings, but nothing to adhere them all together. Maybe I should just start writing and see what comes out?

Growing up, my cousin and I spent copius amounts of time together. We were inseparable from the time we were born, until sometime around our late teens. We had many things in common, but what stands out most to me, especially now, are the ways we differ. I was basically a "country mouse", and he was the proverbial "city mouse". He has an aggressive personality, and I am generally passive. He is far left, and I fall more towards the middle-right. As family, we got along great. As friends, we would have never made it.

To this day, I find myself thinking, "What would he think about this?" When I have a decision to make, big or small, I always think about how he would feel about it. "Oh! He would be impressed by that shirt, I will buy it." Even though, we hardly ever see each other anymore, I still do things based on his opinion. And it drives me crazy. We weren't really in competition growing up. He had all the nice things, the best toys, cable TV, etc. While we weren't poor by any stretch, we still weren't able to afford the best of anything. That never bothered me, at least not that I was ever aware of. So why do I feel like I have to impress him now? I probably should see a therapist about it, but then, it seems kind of silly.

I am a deeply altruistic and empathetic person. This impedes my growth more than anything else. I have never delved too deeply into the corners of my psyche, but I am sure it would not be a pleasant journey. I get some sort of pleasure from inconveniencing myself for others, and as long as I get some sort of thankfulness out of it, I am satisfied. I also have this strong desire to be close to people I am fond of. This is one area that has caused lots of difficulty as well. Especially with the guys that I know. I like to show affection. And just because I want to hug, or kiss or be close to someone doesn't mean that I want to have sex with them. It is just a natural reaction for me, when I see someone I care about to want to embrace them and kiss them. It has always been hard for me to refrain from this.

Chakras : It begins.

Making it through the rough times

The other day, one of my bosses told me that I seemed like a good person to just sit down with a glass of wine and talk through their problems. I was a bit taken aback by this statement. I have always been a therapist of sorts in my relationships with people, but I'd never heard it put quite like that before. I was flattered, but at the same time it brought up some things I was not quite prepared to deal with.

Some time ago, I noticed that I was not connecting with the people around me like I once did. I feel removed. Unaffiliated. Remote. Even the smallest of commitments cause anxiety. I have also noticed that those people that I once felt close to seem distant. I am rarely asked to participate in their lives, and if I am, it is somewhat strained and awkward. Something is missing. Something is blocking me. Something has enveloped me in a shroud of complacency. The result of this shroud has been a dulling of my emotions, including my desire to be intimate and my comfort level in social situations. I feel my energies roiling around in a cloud of chaos. Beating against the shroud; trying to get out. But I can neither release nor see through this shroud.

I have no doubt that I wove the shroud. I tacked it and pinned it and tucked it tightly around myself. I don't know if it started with trying to keep things out. Or if it was always there but became thicker and tighter as I travelled my path. Sometimes it gets so thick and distorted that I can't see the brightness or joy in anything.

So, with that in mind, I have been doing some research on chakras and energy flow. Here is what I've discovered so far.

The root Chakra is the foundation. It grounds and give a sense of belonging. Obviously something that I need to work on. The sacral Chakra is related to sex and love. Another one I that I struggle with. The solar plexus Chakra deals with power and peace. I find myself seeking peace when I meditate. Its usually the first thing I affirm. The heart Chakra is the healing center. I have always felt a strong connection to healing through energy. I am working extra hard to open this Chakra. The throat Chakra is expression. I always keep my mouth shut. In times when I haven't, it never ends well. The third eye Chakra manifests intuition. This is probably my most balanced Chakra right now. Still clouded, but not as much as the others. The crown Chakra is the esoteric and spiritual energy. I'm not sure how I feel about this one just yet. It feels open and balanced, but I generally don't get much from it when I meditate on it.

This of course isn't an exhaustive list of what I have discovered, but its a start. I hope to write more on my journey and hope to help others eventually that may be going through something similar.

Peace, joy and love.

froggLuver