Trance 1

As I sit here and try to think of something to write, nothing seems to be coming to me. I mean, I have thousands of bits of random thoughts and musings, but nothing to adhere them all together. Maybe I should just start writing and see what comes out?

Growing up, my cousin and I spent copius amounts of time together. We were inseparable from the time we were born, until sometime around our late teens. We had many things in common, but what stands out most to me, especially now, are the ways we differ. I was basically a "country mouse", and he was the proverbial "city mouse". He has an aggressive personality, and I am generally passive. He is far left, and I fall more towards the middle-right. As family, we got along great. As friends, we would have never made it.

To this day, I find myself thinking, "What would he think about this?" When I have a decision to make, big or small, I always think about how he would feel about it. "Oh! He would be impressed by that shirt, I will buy it." Even though, we hardly ever see each other anymore, I still do things based on his opinion. And it drives me crazy. We weren't really in competition growing up. He had all the nice things, the best toys, cable TV, etc. While we weren't poor by any stretch, we still weren't able to afford the best of anything. That never bothered me, at least not that I was ever aware of. So why do I feel like I have to impress him now? I probably should see a therapist about it, but then, it seems kind of silly.

I am a deeply altruistic and empathetic person. This impedes my growth more than anything else. I have never delved too deeply into the corners of my psyche, but I am sure it would not be a pleasant journey. I get some sort of pleasure from inconveniencing myself for others, and as long as I get some sort of thankfulness out of it, I am satisfied. I also have this strong desire to be close to people I am fond of. This is one area that has caused lots of difficulty as well. Especially with the guys that I know. I like to show affection. And just because I want to hug, or kiss or be close to someone doesn't mean that I want to have sex with them. It is just a natural reaction for me, when I see someone I care about to want to embrace them and kiss them. It has always been hard for me to refrain from this.